Where’s the SISTERHOOD?

sis·ter·hood: (n) the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences, or concerns

Men have this unwritten rule not to expose each other’s weaknesses. I don’t know when it begins, but at some point, they create a bond to protect their masculinity and loyalty amongst each other. Men are taught to compete against one another, but in a sportsmanlike fashion. Anything like dating their friends’ mom/sister/ex-girlfriend/ex-wife is considered foul play. Snitching or revealing personal business that they are not ready to reveal is considered unnecessary roughness. Both are considered to be unsportsmanlike behavior.

As little boys, they are not allowed to cry and must show little emotion towards pain, physical or mental. As men, these same rules apply and they are taught to compartmentalize their feelings to avoid emotional attachment and sometimes accountability. Men are given permission to be men without judgment or consequences. Excuses are made for bad behavior whether it’s learned or relational. Society and women go to great lengths to justify it. Manly advice is shunned and overlooked until a man learns the error of his ways through his trials. This usually happens when mental maturity is reached. Anything opposite of these beliefs are “girly” and breaks the man-code.

Women on the other hand are not given any unwritten rules to follow. We are taught the very opposite. Women are given the green light to expose each other’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities; we see it daily on reality tv. Fighting over men that tell us both the same lies just to get sex and dropping babies all over the place like it’s cool. We exhibit unsportsmanlike behavior all of the time. Dating a friends’ brother/ex-boyfriend/ex-husband? Some women will cross those lines in a New York minute. Sleeping with a married man? Let’s be clear… sleeping with another sister’s husband doesn’t make you more desireable than she is. It really speaks of your character and says that you don’t think much of yourself or feel like you deserve your own man. We will go to great lengths to rationalize the stupidity by saying, “That’s her problem. It’s not my fault that her husband wants me. You can have him nine to five I just want him on the weekend.” No sis, her man is NOT your man! Have I blurred those lines before? Yes, I sure have.

We are told as early as elementary school that “everybody isn’t your friend” establishing a belief that little girls are incapable of creating the bond of friendship. We then become women who bring that nonsensical thinking into our adult lives. We are told to compete against one another and given the go ahead to play dirty if we need to – to get what we want. After all, what are the consequences? Let’s see…low self-esteem, emotional and mental insecurity, feelings of abandonment and isolation, just to name a few.

When women disagree, we are told that she is not your friend and she must be jealous of you. How crazy is that? It suggests that our differences of opinion should be looked upon as a threat. When we tell each other the truth, we are told that she is hating on you. In other words, that truth telling sister-friend doesn’t want to see you succeed. C’mon really? And here’s the real biggie, when a sister-friend tells you a truth about the man you love, or are in a relationship with, we are told that she doesn’t want to see you happy and that she must want him for herself. Sisters we have really got to do better.

It’s not uncommon for women to dissect a woman’s appearance when she walks into a room. I’ve been guilty of it too. If she is fashionably unfashioned, we will laugh and have side bar conversations about it. Muffin top exposed? She should have worn a Spanx. Too much make up? Ew, who did that? Not enough make up? I know she didn’t come out looking like that. Knock off designer purse? She can’t even afford the real deal! Authentic designer purse? She can’t pay her bills, but will buy name brand shit. We will rip each other apart for no other reason than… we just can. Why though? What makes us want to tear each other down?

For my women of color, I believe that we are still feeling the rippling effects of the Willie Lynch Letter. Willie Lynch, a successful slave owner, wrote a letter in 1712 to slave plantation owners that contained fool proof instructions and methods on controlling Black slaves for at least 300 years or longer. In his letter, he outlined a number of differences among the slaves, for the purposes to control. “Distrust is stronger than trust and envy is stronger than trust adulation, respect or admiration”. It was designed to break our spirits and disrupt the family unit thus creating a fear and allegiance to the slave masters. The strongest of men were publicly raped and emasculated for all to see. Men were forced to create babies with many different women for the sake of creating more slaves. Women were raped and impregnated by slave masters and left with feelings of being unprotected and abandoned by their husbands. This created anger and resentment toward our men and each other. Yes, sisters we are still feeling the residual effects of being mentally and physically enslaved by our differences instead of embracing and celebrating them.

For all of my sisters in general, we have been taught to be controlled with our thoughts about each other on skin color, hair texture, body shapes, sexuality, individuality, education, relationship status and levels of success. We are not mere conquest. We are the backbones, nurturers and the bearers of life. My hope is to redirect our energy from tearing each other down to uplifting and celebrating every sister with acts of kindness, positive words and humility.

For the sisters that have been hurt, forgive her and move on! For the sisters that have caused the hurt, apologize, forgive yourself and move on! Forgiving does not mean giving her access back into your heart and life, only changed behavior will do that. It just means that in order for you to move forward, you have to let that S.H.I.T (Super High Intense Toxicity) go so that you can live your best life.

Sisterhood has no color, size, age, religion or sexual orientation. We must stand in unison. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. We need to fiercely celebrate our differences and build sustainable relationships with one another. Become so grounded and secure in yourself that we no longer have to be impacted by our differences, but embrace them with love. Compliment a sister when she looks good and celebrate her when she walks with her head held high. It’s okay if she thinks she’s cute. You don’t know what she had to go through to get there. Speak when you walk into a room of full of sisters and greet each other with a smile. Tell her she has lipstick on her teeth. Let her know when she’s out of order, but do it with love and respect. Pour into her spirit and remind her that she is a daughter of the most high and a queen. Straighten out her crown so that no one will ever know that it was crooked in the first place.

“I may not be your morning Joe, or cup of Tea, but I’ll always be someone’s shot of Hennessy”