Reflecting The Happy

Our brains are pre-wired to respond to negative events, words and behavior more quickly than we do to the positive ones. When we think positively, our brain assumes that everything is under control and no action is needed, but when we have negative thoughts, we trigger our brains to think there is an immediate threat that needs to be handled. As a result, our fight or flight response kicks in to deal with the anxiety and the stress.

My divorce was hard on all of my children, but my youngest daughter had probably taken it the hardest. She was still at home so she witnessed the arguments about infidelity and had a front row seat to the madness. When it was time for her to go to college she wanted to get as far away from us as she could, but that still didn’t stop her from worrying about her parents. She experienced high levels of stress and anxiety that almost affected her ability to complete her freshman and sophomore years.

My youngest daughter was always Daddy’s Little Girl. She stayed so close to his side that he called her his roll dawg. If he grabbed his shoes you can best believe she did too and she would burst into tears if she couldn’t go with him. I mean I had never seen anything like it because my parents divorced when I was very young and I’d only known my mother’s love, time and attention. It was so refreshing to actually see a father and daughter relationship that was innocent, loving and protective. I have to admit that there were times I’d get in my feelings because she didn’t want to roll with me.

My daughter loves her father. I mean how could she not? He was the fun parent and I was the fun police. He bought the junk food and spent his money on everything for her. He would rush home from working the night shift to cook her breakfast every morning and then walk with her to the bus stop. He would fry chicken for her field days and bring the donuts and coffee for “Dads Make a Difference Day”. He was always there with a video camera in tow to record gymnastics competitions, softball and soccer games, flute recitals and track and field events. Nothing was too big, too small or too inconvenient for him; he was her super dad and he affectionately called her his superstar.

All of that changed when the divorce process began. The reality that her mom and dad had new lives became very uncomfortable for her. There were lots of disappointments, hurt feelings and ugly truths revealed. The blended family blindfolds were removed and the other kids inadvertently felt like they had to choose who they were going to be loyal to. She didn’t have that option because her parents were divorcing. The way of life that she’d known since birth was changing and it bothered her to her core.

Divorce is ugly and even uglier if it happens because of an affair. For my daughter, her dad had changed. He wasn’t the responsive, attentive and loving dad that she knew. He was alienating, elusive and distant. I’ve had to have many conversations with her about holding on to the good and happy memories that she’s had with her dad instead of focusing on who she sees now. I’ve told her not to let a few bad actions dismiss all of the good ones. She must pray for him, pray for herself, pray for a better day and keep pushing onward and forward. Thinking negatively isn’t going to help solve anything, it will only make it harder to think of helpful solutions.