Grieve Baby…Grieve

For the last 6 months, I’d been feeling like I was in a funk. I almost gave up blogging. I didn’t want my negative attitude to spill over into my work so I took a break from it until I could get a handle on what was going on with me. During that time, my beautiful granddaughter was born just two days before the day that my ex and I got married. My dog Patch died. My ex remarried and stopped communicating with my children.  He opted out of his court ordered financial responsibilities and I was forced to pay for our daughter’s last 2 years of college tuition and housing alone. Triggers…triggers…triggers! I felt like I was in a dark place…again. I couldn’t write. No more facebook live. I barely left my house and I only got out of bed to work. My drinking increased. My oldest daughter suggested that I return to therapy. I wasn’t feeling it, but I did. My children suggested that I host Christmas dinner because family and close friends are always a source of comfort…did that too. I forced myself to attend events that I was invited to.  I had become mad at myself because I thought I was doing good in my healing process and then those damn triggers hit. The reality is that I AM DOING BETTER…grief comes and goes. There is no time limit and what I was experiencing is still all a part of the natural grieving process. 

It’s not a disorder or mental illness, grieving is our natural response to a loss. That loss can be due to a death, divorce, friendship, relationship, job, home, pet or dream. Some would like to say that one loss is harder to deal with than the other, but I say a loss is a loss and no one has the right to tell you how long you should grieve or whether your grief is substantiated because of the type of loss it is.

My father was murdered when I was 17 years old. I was there when the doctors told my mom that he did not survive. It was heartbreaking. I never saw her cry. I don’t remember her ever breaking down. She didn’t cuss, scream, yell, nothing. I watched my mother attempt to move on with business as usual. Who could blame her? She had five children that needed their mother. I saw her take the loss of her husband and several losses thereafter like it was nothing. I don’t know how she did it, but I can imagine that she felt that she had to suppress what she was feeling in order to do what was needed for her children. What I am learning now through dealing with my own grief is that she needed to go through the grieving process and we, her children, needed to see her grieve. 

My son, Jason Smith, was stillborn when I was 6 months pregnant with him. It is hospital policy to allow the stillborn baby to lay in the room with the parents until they are ready to let the baby go. This is a way for the parents to connect with the death of their baby. I guess it’s like closure. They wrapped him in a blanket and put a hat on his little head. He looked very normal on the outside just smaller than a newborn. I refused to hold him or look at him. My ex kept picking him up and kissing him, but I could not. I just couldn’t bring myself to hold a dead baby…my baby. It just didn’t seem natural. I had convinced myself that I was not attached to him like he was some inanimate object. I was healthy and young enough to have another baby. I had a 8 year old and 2 year old at home that needed me to pour love into them. Here begins my process with grieving…denial and bargaining. Because I didn’t properly grieve the loss of my son, I believe this set off a series of unhealthy events later. I am probably just beginning to fully grieve all of my losses. 

The grieving process can take people through a multitude of emotions. After suffering a loss, the brain’s psychological way of coping with immense pain is to deny the loss. The next thing we do is bargain with how much of it we’ll allow ourselves to feel. We get angry that we have to endure the loss and want to place blame (why did God allow this to happen to me… I didn’t deserve this… etc). Then here comes the funky depression… replaying the hurt and pain over and over again in our heads. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen in that order and can reoccur at anytime in response to a reminder or trigger. The loss of something or someone dear to us can cause a great deal of pain and hiding from that pain or trying to “push through it” is not helpful. We must be allowed to respond to our grief and share that sorrow with others to bring about healing. If we allow ourselves to be true and authentic to what we are feeling, if others are patient and caring with us through the process without harsh criticism and judgement and we seek professional mental health therapy; the depression phase can and will usher us into a place of acceptance.

It’s only human to think we are doing the right thing for people when we try to help soothe their pain by encouraging them to disconnect from it. We’ll offer to take them out to take their mind off their pain, offer drinks and encourage them to take up hobbies to make them feel better. Sometimes we encourage them to get into new relationships to get over the loss of an old one. If we do not address the grief head on though, it will still be there once the temporary feel good wears off. I know this all too well as I’ve dealt with the pain of losing loved ones due to death and a divorce. I believe that it’s better to walk through the process than it is to delay it. Delaying the process causes grief to stay around much longer then it has to. 

One of the dangers to pretending that we don’t feel what we feel when suffering a loss is that so much time and energy is spent trying to push the pain deep down inside and the person or thing that is supposed to be naturally grieved is forcibly forgotten. Another thing is that when you pretend that you are okay or that you’ve got it all together everyone will believe it too. They won’t offer assistance, time or a listening ear and you are left to handle your grief alone. This is a dangerous place to be in because some people may use substances, things or people to soothe their pain. These addictive behaviors will cause self-inflicted wounds to ourselves and others.

Accept that the loss happened, be accountable to your actions going forward, and understand that you have a right to hurt and that your life is changed forever. This does not mean that you forget. It means that you begin to heal and understand that there is still a God given purpose for your life. There is beauty in overcoming and life beyond your loss and pain. It’s important that you understand that you will get better. I believe that grief leaves you when you are well enough to let it go. When grief visits I open the door, but each time I shorten its stay.