Fools Rush In

Very soon after my divorce was final, I decided to jump right into the dating scene. It was very exciting and liberating at first. Since I’d been committed to one man for so long, I wanted to be uncommitted to as many men as I pleased. I didn’t want no drama, confusion or restrictions. They knew the ground rules upfront, I was the HBICOMP (head bitch in charge of my pussycat) and I began what I’ll call my year long hoe-tation. I literally grabbed my dating life by the balls.

I must have been wearing a “come and get me” pheromone perfume or somebody sent out a bat signal to all the men of my past because they were coming out of the woodwork. Calls, texts, drop-ins and drive by’s…Oh my! I was on the newly divorced meat market and being aggressively pursued. Nah…that’s putting it nicely; they were acting like old dogs in heat and I was the bitch they either never got to hump or were trying to hump again for old times sake. I certainly fell prey to a few. I can’t say that it was a love thing or even a deep like thing; it was just a lust filled, I gave in to the moment thing. It was a Hennessy VSOP thing. Wanting to be held for a few hours thing; not even through the night thing. A rush home and wash him off of me thing. A newly divorced woman, that still loved her ex husband and was suddenly single and alone thing…a sad thing.

The dangers of diving into a new situation too soon after divorce is that you’re really not ready. You’re not invested or interested in the new person. You are mourning your ex and you’re trying to fill a void. You are over compensating for the loss of your failed relationship. It’s true! You are not making sound decisions and you really shouldn’t make any decisions at all. I didn’t need to start a hoe-tation, I needed to go sit my ass down somewhere; preferably on my therapist’s couch.

The loss of a spouse through a divorce can be more crippling than the loss due to a death. I say this because when someone dies we tend to deify them. No one wants to speak ill of the dead so we pack away all of our hard feelings, create our own happy endings and bury them away with our deceased loved ones. This is quite the opposite of divorce. A loss through a divorce is the death of that person in your life, but they are still alive and possibly doing life with someone else. Divorce brings out ugly truths. Divorce is a battlefield. Couples fight over things acquired during the marriage, financial obligations and children. The blame game begins, the gloves come off and there are lots of hitting below the belt. The fight can last for months sometimes years…it’s so exhausting. We become so entrenched and distracted with the fight that the love that was once shared is temporarily forgotten…that is until the divorce is final.

22 years together, 18 years married took only 10 minutes to end. When the papers were signed and the judge hit his gavel, reality kicked in. How will you cope after divorce is the uncomfortable question? I think we cope by either jumping into something new with odd similarities of the old relationship or we go far left; creating a persona that we’re not. It’s like we go into a manic state trying to feel comfortable and safe and secure with our new lives; while still longing for the love that was once shared in our old lives.

So here’s what I’ve learned. It’s very important to take some time to really get to know yourself. Take time to heal; heart, mind, body and soul. You were a couple, you did couple things and made couple decisions so you need to learn how to function as a party of one. Don’t start a hoe-tation; start a self-love-tation. Sleeping around is only feeding the flesh, but it can surely kill your spirit. Nothing and I mean nothing is less gratifying than empty sex. You bust a nut then what? You could have done that all by yourself…that’s another blog, but you get it right? Don’t do anything that will cause you deep regret. Jumping into a new relationship without healing from the old one is called a panic pick. Again, you’re not interested or invested…you are in mourning. You’re either gonna get hurt or hurt somebody. Folks are crazy out here. Everybody ain’t playing with a full deck of cards. Lastly, it’s so important to take care of YOU. Love on yourself like you’ve never done before. You don’t want any of that old baggage of the last relationship spilling over into the next one. If you work on you and give yourself some time to see things clearly, you’ll know when God’s best is in front of you. You deserve to have all of the love that your heart can hold, but you must first have that love for yourself.