Depleted Woman, Who’s Pouring In To You?

It’s been jokingly said that women don’t have the time to commit suicide because we always have one more thing to do. Statistically women have a 20-40% higher rate of mental health issues and suicidal thoughts than men. Clearly, I’m not making light of suicide, but I do want to point out that although we have the same thoughts; we are not as successful as our male counterparts at getting the deed done. Contributing factors like hormones, ruminative thinking (the act of thinking about something repeatedly), being more invested in relationships, the daily stresses of working, raising children and maintaining a home makes women more prone to depression. Many of us are depressed and don’t even know it. We just go about the day making adjustments until one day illness sets in or some life altering experience pushes us over the edge near a total breakdown. I’ve come to learn through my life’s experiences that I can’t pour into anybody from an empty cup.

Women, especially mothers and wives, are the self-sacrificing vessels that often find themselves juggling everything and everybody while never having enough time or energy to rejuvenate themselves. So how do we find the time to relax and replenish our spirit? When is it ever okay to selfishly take some needed time for ourselves? It’s amazing that we can use our last dime to do something for our kids and family, but feel guilty about spending on a simple pleasure or need for ourselves. My kids have had braces yet I’m walking around needing them. I have clients that will cut out the need of getting their hair done to use that money for an expense somewhere else. I’ve done it too. It was like making a life or death decision to do something nice for myself. Why is that? Most of us will call that being responsible, but now I see it as neglect for self. Getting my hair, nails and feet done makes me feel good about myself. A pretty smile will make me feel even prettier. Getting a certification or degree to advance in the workplace will surely elevate my self-esteem. When I’m at my best I become more beneficial to myself and to my family.

Certain relationships and friendships can be draining. If the relationship or friendship is not encouraging you to be better or adding value to your life, then it’s time to reevaluate it and possibly walk away from it. We are emotional beings with needs. Everyone needs people who are going to be with them when times are good and when the tough times come knocking. If you only surround yourself with people who take from you without making reciprocal deposits, you’ll be exhausted and depleted and you’ll be miserable.

When my ex left me for another woman, I laid in the middle of my living room floor balled up in a fetal position for damn near 3 days. I felt empty and alone. I cried until I had no more tears left to cry. I finally got up and went into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and gave myself the best pep talk that I could’ve ever given anyone. I told myself, “That selfish ass man did not make you, he didn’t deserve you and he will never break you! Do you know who you are? Get your ass together and act like it!” I spent so much time pouring into him, giving to his needs and the kids that I’d completely forgotten about myself. I decided from that day forward that I was going to put myself first. My ex walked out on the empty version of me, but oh baby… he forgot about the resilient, smart, beautiful, determined woman that he married. That’s because he hadn’t seen her in a while; she was broken and depleted from dealing with 22 years of bullshit. But you better best believe I know who I am now and I walk with my head held high in that knowledge of self, every day.

Women require feeling, emotional intimacy, security and we have a need to be wanted and heard. Without those core things a woman has to create a wall of protection for herself and her family, which is depleting and not gratifying to a woman’s soul. It’s like running on fumes trying to get to the next destination praying that you don’t break down. We have to find time and give time to things and people that are going to help replenish our souls. Take long walks, join groups with similar interests, start a new hobby, exercise, read, pray, write, seek therapy… do whatever it takes to make your soul whole again. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, and you shouldn’t feel guilty while doing it. A good male friend came back into my life when I needed a man in the natural realm to speak to my spirit. He called me every day, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day to hold my hand during my walk to restoration. I needed to be reminded of who I was and held accountable to who I was becoming. God could not have sent a better man for such a time. So, in the words of my dear good friend I’m telling you to, “Get. In. To. You!”